Learning Spanish is like Being in a Relationship*

*I said 'like'.


Yea, that's right. I made that connection.  Bear with me, friends and misc readers, for what may be the weirdest thing I've ever written.  


1. That Butterflies-In-The-Stomach Feeling. When you first meet someone you really like, and you see him as you approach on the street at your previously arranged meeting spot, you have that stomach through the floor feeling. You get a little tongue tied and say things like, "If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?" in an attempt to be funny/imaginative/apparently NOT want a call back on date 2. Etcetera. It's like that with Spanish, especially with short exchanges in the Argentine pharmacy, where you want to say things like, "Do you have any anti-nausea drugs for being on a boat, for example?", but instead forget the word for 'nausea' and stumble around the joint like it's your first date with the pharmacist. (For the record, the word for 'nausea' is 'nausea', accent over the first 'a').  And yes, that happened today. 5 months into this Argentina stint. Shut up. 


2. You Think You Understand What's Going On, But in Reality, Um, No.
"Ohhh, you're really an extreme right-wing homophobe? Yea, this isn't going to work out."
"Ohhh, you really told me in Spanish NOT to go to that neighborhood because of a long-documented stream of violent muggings. Got it. Missed the whole 'no anda' part."


3. What The Person is Actually Saying To You Is Not What They Actually Mean.
I think there is a different word for 'refrigerator' and 'freezer' whether you're in Costa Rica, Argentina, Chile, Spain, Puerto Rico, Texas, etc. (In Argentina, for the record, it's 'freezer'.) It makes it a little rough when you're brushing off your Vintage Shelton High School ca. 1999 Mexico-brand of Spanish 13 years later in Argentina.  Additionally, never use the verb 'coger' in Argentina or Chile. In the rest of the Spanish-speaking world, it means 'to catch' or 'to take'. In Argentina and Chile it means...well it means to 'screw' and I'm not talkin' Habitat for Humanity 'screw a wooden wall board to a floor board' kinda screw. Ugh, it's impossible to keep it all straight!


Similarly, in a relationship, "I don't want anything more than what we have now" means, "Sayonara in 7-10 business days, sistah." Or if you say "Yes, I will go on another date with you, doll collector man I thought was normal when I met you at the bar last week," you really mean...nah.


4. You Really Want It To Like You. 
This might be the most 'stretched' connection, but it's true. When you're in a new relationship, blah blah blah- you feel me- I don't need to explain that. When you're speaking Spanish with new co-workers, for example, who, for example, maybe only speak in Argentine slang (Lunfardo, it's called), you may, for example, be desperate to keep up and add something to the conversation, maybe. Like yesterday, when I was at lunch with my new co-workers and I launched into a detailed story about the asado I hosted in February, when in reality that was a very big side-note to their conversation (which was really about one of the girls' husbands and how he has a 'very big appetite' if you know what I mean).  This 'wanting to belong' is like being in junior high all over again- minus a guy's 'very big appetite', at least in my 12 year old case. 


5. You Need To Stop 2nd-Guessing Yourself- Just SPEAK!
A lot of the world's relationship problems- mine included- could probably just be solved if people spoke to each other in a more direct way instead of inner monologues like "Well, he said x but does he mean y, or could he mean z and is DATE an appropriate day to bring q up because I didn't like q last week." It's the same with learning a language. If you're tongue tied and nervous to speak, you never will.  Make mistakes, open your mouth, Let's DO THIS.


6. When You Speak Only Spanish for Too Long/Only Speak to that One Person for too Long, your head explodes.  I have nothing further to say on this.